I’ve been thinking about a lot of things the past few days. My regrets haunt me, in both daylight and within my dreams. I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night, cold and filled with dread every night since I returned. I wasn’t able to remember what I was seeing in them at first…
Now I remember everything. I see the light leaving their eyes, feel blood on my hands or the rope chaffing my palms, and hear their chokes, gasps, and pleas. It’s all come back to me.
Without the numbing of enthrallment, it’s difficult to stomach. I suppose that’s putting it mildly. Every time a twig snaps, I can swear it’s breaking bone. I consciously stop myself from flinching everytime Mara’s “gift” brushes against my skin under my sleeve.
I never noticed just how cold steel was until recently.
Is this really who I am now? Is this the woman Selise gave up her life for? Or the little girl my grandfather lifted on his shoulders and strode around the tavern with during the dead hours? I can’t even imagine how grandmother’s heart would break if she knew.
Our new companion only increases my agitation. It seems like everything she does or says forces me to see something in her that I feel I’ve lost in myself. How infuriating to be the be the bitter cynic next to the pure maiden it is.
I almost thought I hated her for a moment…but no. She’s not the one I despise. That person is a bit closer to home.
Grandfather always said people over complicate things. If you see a problem, fix it. Maybe you won’t like the outcome, and maybe it’ll be hard on you, but in the end you always do what needs to be done.
Reflecting on them, those are perhaps some of the wisest words I’ve ever heard. I think it’s time I take them to heart. It’s time to fix my problem.