First of all — I told you to not read this until I’d left Baemore again, so if I’m still in town, fold this back up immediately and put it away. I know it’s tempting, but for both of our sakes, I beg that you allow yourself to take this in at a time when you can have the space to think.
Am I gone?
Good; you can keep reading now.
I’m sorry for making it all sound so ominous. I wish I could say that I’m simply being overdramatic, but that would be a lie. In fact, the reason I’m writing this in a letter at all is because I’ve worried so much about how to tell you this that when I look into your face, I’m lost to find the words. That aside, I worry about what you will say — you’ve got a good heart, Anzo, and I don’t want you to tell me that things are going to be alright just out of sympathy in the moment. I’ve made a decision without considering you, and so I think I owe it to you to put your feelings first now and give you the time to think fully about what you want to say to me when I return.
I’m sure I’ve put you in suspense long enough about what this may be, so I’ll cut to the chase.
While I may have returned to Baemore with my brother in tow, I lost something along the way in order to bring him back home. I made a deal, signed a contract with a very powerful witch, in order to secure his quick and safe return. Unfortunately, for such a large ask the price was unimaginably high. Of all things that could have been asked of me, it turned out that she was after was something so precious that I could hardly imagine giving it up for the sake of anyone but Sebastian.
She wanted my child.
No child that already exists, but one of the future — my firstborn, whatever that may turn out to be. In the wording it was described as the first child born to me, presuming they survive their birth. If they do, they will be her property from that moment forward and I will have no choice but to hand them over. I know this witch already, Anzo, and she’s a vile, manipulative creature, and so I know that there is no way out of this deal. I had been so proud in the past, resisting her temptations and criticizing others for falling under her influence, but now I am ashamed to say I have put myself in the same position
As much as it shames me to say this, in wanting to be honest with you, I have to admit that this was not the only option presented to me in order to save Sebastian from the creature that held him captive. In hopes of avoiding making this deal, I instead had to face several trials of combat, at the end of which I was able to come face to face with three powerful beings. In lieu of the deal, they presented me with another trade — Sebastian’s freedom for my own life.
I was a coward. In the heat of the moment, facing certain death, I found that I could not do it, that I had too much else to live for. Knowing the deal with the witch still stood, I made a decision there: I would walk away from death, but in turn I would sign the other deal and choose to avoid its promise in the only way possible; I chose in that moment that I would never have children.
I won’t try to explain further than that what my reasoning was, because it all seems empty now. In hindsight, I wish I had been able to have the courage to die for him — not only am I ashamed that I could be so weak, but that I could question giving up my life for my brother’s at all. I do not blame you for seeing me in such a light, because that’s certainly how I see myself now.
I don’t know what this relationship of ours is at this moment. I don’t know if it was ever destined to grow or to simply fizzle out over time. What I do know is that I care about you dearly and I did not think it was fair to keep this from you, on the chance that you may care about me too. I want you to go about your life happily, to have a bright future full of love and life and everything that you could dream of, and so I want you to know the reality of my situation before you travel further down this path with me. Furthermore, I wanted you to have time to think on what this means, because I don’t want you to give up the things that I have simply for the sake of comforting me in my decision. I want you to do what you feel is right for yourself and your own future and forget about me — I promise that I will take whatever you choose without complaint. I have no right to complain.
I’m sorry to leave you with such heavy words. Consider this well while I’m gone. We can speak again when I return.
All my love,