1st of Uktar,
I’ve always wondered about my place within the group, but recent events have me doing more so than normal. I know Mireya had to have been hiding knowledge of her plan at the Brotherhood purposefully. How easily Aaron knew to follow her, did Arseni know as well? Was I the only one they didn’t trust? To say it hurts I inspire such a lack of faith would be an understatement. I know what she must assume, but she was fairly cross with me before I could correct her. Then again, I guess I deserve no less acting as rash as I did earlier.
I was so tired and ill, and then there was this woman shouting and judging without good cause yet again at us. I couldn’t take it anymore. Everything these people and I have done for the sake of others, the dangers and sacrifices we face, and all it seems to earn us is ire and disrespect from narrow minded curs who have only their own petty interests in mind! I couldn’t listen to another person act so high and mighty while putting someone who has done nothing wrong and been so horribly punished for nothing more than doing the right thing!
I don’t even know if it had anything to do with it being Roy. The thought that I could have lost him didn’t even hit me until later that day. I’m just so tired of watching this group suffer, and of feeling as if everything right we try to do is destined to bring us more misery. I think I would have reacted the same for any of us, although I will admit my sulking the next day was inspired by my own attachments to the situation. I had let my rage build up so much that I spewed it out at the most inopportune time, and almost made things so much worse. How could I be so foolish?
No wonder she struck me, or could barely stand to even speak to me later. I have always known I was not as clever as some in the group, but I feel it now more than ever. How many more mistakes and mis steps an I allowed before they realize just unsure and doubting of my own capabilities I am? How long before they realize the burden I impose on them?
I admit to being over protective of them and emotionally attached to this group. Perhaps more than I should be, but…
Who else do I have? Tavion would not even say a word to me that day in the carriage. One of my best friends, that I remember learning how to knock an arrow with as a young girl, and he would not even spare me a second glance. Hrodegeirr and Anzo have always needed each other more than me, I always accepted that. And my own family…they feel more like a distant memory than a family. They never write, or have even attempted a visit since I came to the area for good. And I have no truly fond memories of them. Just absent figures with barely any presence in my life.
Honestly these people feel like the closest to family I have at the moment, and yet I seem to only be pulling them down. Even the one that means the most to me. I’m trying to stay positive and smile through. But I don’t know how much longer I can pretend that everything’s alright. Or how much longer I can pretend that I’m not just an outsider trying to give herself a home.